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Carnegie goes digital

How to Win Friends and Influence People in the Digital Age by Dale Carnegie & Brent Cole

DALE Carnegie could be credited (or blamed depending on your perspective) for the glut of motivational books that have been published since 1936. 

How to Win Friends and Influence People was released that year and was rated by Time magazine in 2011 as one of its top hundred books of all time.

The sagacious investor, Warren Buffett, has only one diploma hanging in his office: his certificate of Dale Carnegie training.

The version I am reviewing here follows the format of the original 1936 edition, but does more than simply use twenty-first Century examples - it adapts the time-honoured principles to the age of the social megaphone.

If there ever was a time when Carnegie's principles need to be taken seriously, it must certainly be now.

The first principle, "If you want honey, don't kick over the hive", has been retitled "Bury your boomerangs".

The boomerangs are the things you say and write that when aimed at others, spin back and hit you.

An article from the Huffington Post quoted in the book describes 13 Facebook posts that got their authors dismissed from their jobs. Googling "dismissed from my job because of Facebook" yields 46 million more.

In 1936 an unwarranted letter might have been seen by the recipient and a few others, all of whom might be appeased; today, try retracting what you tweeted or said in front of a TV microphone you believed was off.

Carnegie counselled: don't criticise, condemn or complain.

Most people can distinguish between what is nothing more than flattery and what is an affirmation. Flattery is telling the person what they want to hear, affirmation requires more thought; it requires seeing the person well enough to sense what to affirm.

For that reason affirmation can have the life-changing impact that flattery never has. This is Carnegie's second essential principle of engagement: "Affirm what's good".

In the section on making a lasting, positive impression on others, Carnegie opens with the call to "take an interest in other's interest".

Quoting a piece of research conducted by the New York Telephone Company in the 1930s, the most frequently used word in conversations was the personal pronoun "I". The significance of self-interest has not changed, nor is it likely to.

Andrew Sullivan, former editor of the New Republic and political blogger, invited readers to submit shots of the world just outside their homes. This interest in other's interest went on to become the centrepiece for the Atlantic Monthly's online strategy, and enhanced his personal following.

People are attracted to people who care about what interests them.

Carnegie placed great store on the value to relationship of smiling. The research finding of Christakis and Fowler confirms that people who smile tend to have more friends, with smiling getting you an average of one more close friend.

This is not trivial, as people only have about six close friends.

With much of our communication mediated through digital technologies, smiling takes on a new challenge: how to express warmth over the phone, sms, email or twitter.

This is only a challenge, not an impossibility with the assistance of emoticons (the little faces) for informal settings and the use of the recipient's name in the text wherever possible for formal ones.

When the lead singer of a little-known band had his guitar smashed by careless baggage handlers on a United Airlines flight, he sought redress from the airline for a year with no result.

No one listened or showed any concern for his situation. In frustration, he wrote a song describing his experience, made a video of it with friends and posted it on the internet.

Within two weeks it had attracted 4.1 million views, and the Times of London reported that the video had precipitated a $180m drop in United's share price.

Not listening to customers is always expensive, but not listening to friends, colleagues and family is no less damaging.

The converse is similarly true; listening is a very engaging social force.  

Carnegie cites avoiding arguments as a key ingredient in meriting and maintaining others' trust. I do not know of anyone who put this better than the humourist, Dave Barry: "I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends.

"I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me."

There is probably nothing in this book of interpersonal insights that you do not know, so you will learn nothing new.

What makes this worth a quick read on your next flight is that it will remind you of what you already know - and in the reminder lies the value.

Readability:        Light +--- Serious

Insights:            High ---+- Low

Practical:           High --+-- Low

* Ian Mann of Gateways consults internationally on leadership and strategy.

 
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