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How to deal with difficult co-workers

Most of us will have dealt with a narcissist co-worker at some point. Or a bully. Or someone passive-aggressive. Or a whiner. Or a gossip.

And then there’s that one special colleague who’s a narcissistic, passive-aggressive bully who can’t stop whining about a perceived slight five years ago, and constantly trash talks you behind your back.

Dealing with impossible people is difficult, but generally not impossible. Mostly it requires a level head and some deep breathing.

The most difficult type of person to manage is the self-absorbed egocentric, the narcissist who has an inflated sense of their own importance, is arrogant and won’t listen to others.

They are incapable of empathy, and appealing to them on the grounds of what’s best for the team, won’t help, says Kirsten Long, a life coach at the Sandton-based Coach 4 Life. “The only way of dealing with a narcissist is to explain explicitly what the benefits are for them.”

Despite their low emotional intelligence, narcissists will often climb to the top of the corporate ladder – mostly because they are the most driven and confident people in the office.

If you have a narcissist for a boss, there are ways to manage the situation, particularly by the constant stroking of their ego. (Surprise! Narcissists respond well to constant praise.)

However, recognise that in the long term you would probably need to find another position. An egomaniac who feels threatened can be extremely dangerous. 

Other frustrating personality types include:

The passive-aggressive saboteur

These co-workers are silently undermining your authority. They may enthusiastically agree to do something and then find excuses not to deliver.

Unlike narcissists, however, passive-aggressive colleagues are often capable of empathy, says Long. If you spend time with them and motivate them, they should respond.

Also, nip passive-aggressive behaviours in the bud as soon as possible. For example, if a colleague is consistently late for meetings, don’t let it slide and ask them directly to ensure that they arrive on time.

The downer

One way of dealing with excessively negative people is to encourage them to be problem-solvers, says Long. For example, when they are dismissive about a planned new initiative, ask them what they would do to address obstacles and ensure success.

“Also remember that negative people can be useful in spotting problems,” says Long. “Don’t ignore them out of hand.”

But resist agreeing (or even nodding along) with ranting pessimists just to get them off your back; this will only encourage them. Take every opportunity to contradict them with the facts.

The withholder

While egocentric know-it-alls are difficult to manage, silent types can be as challenging, says Asanda Gcoyi, who coaches high-potential employees and is CEO of the employee development and recruitment firm CB Talent.

People who never offer their opinions or feedback, or don’t contribute in meetings, can be problematic. “As a manager, you need to be proactive: solicit their feedback outside of meetings, and ask for their input on agendas. Make an effort to get to know them as a person.”

The anger addict

A big problem in South African workplaces is that many employees constantly lose their temper, says Long. This addiction to anger is often stress related, or the result of deep-seated historical issues, which should preferably be addressed through professional counselling.

As a colleague, you must set strong boundaries and address unacceptable behaviour immediately.

Build better rapport with your team: 

South African workplaces can be particularly complicated when it comes to managing people.

A heightened sensitivity is demanded from managers, says CB Talent’s Asanda Gcoyi. “To avoid conflict and to better manage your team members, you need a clear understanding of their different backgrounds and who they are. A blanket approach won’t work.”

This does not mean you need to become their best friend, or get involved in their lives. But managers need to move beyond the perfunctory greeting in the hallway, and actually spend time with team members to understand their view of the world, says Gcoyi.

This will lead to greater sensitivity and defuse potential conflict – for example, with a frequent bone of contention like compassionate leave.

If you don’t have an appreciation for a colleague’s rural background and cultural values, you won’t understand why they have to take extended leave to bury their grandmother’s sister.

Snakes in suits: A survival guide 

- Know thyself, know thy enemy.

First, understand why, how and when a co-worker pushes your buttons. Are there any specific situations where the person is particularly infuriating? Think about why you may react in a certain way, and analyse whether the situations can be avoided. Also, imagine yourself in your colleague’s position. What triggers their behaviour? Do they feel threatened? Take a step back and get a better perspective on how conflict can be avoided. Start taking greater care when handling issues that are particularly sensitive to the other party.

- Don’t bleed.

That’s the first rule of swimming with sharks. Even if you have been gravely offended, keep calm and remain in control of yourself. Reacting in anger will weaken your position and exacerbate the situation. Don’t be defensive, but keep your language clear and neutral. Respond to accusations and unfair comments with detailed questions that will force the confronter to explain their position.

- Play the ball, not the person.

Don’t ever attack the person, but remain polite at all times. However, don’t be afraid to take a hard line on issues that are impacting your organisation. This will confirm your reputation as someone who is serious about performance.

- Don’t be oversensitive.

Some workplaces won’t ever be a civilised hub of human kindness. Grow a thicker skin and distinguish between impoliteness and aggression. Also, be realistic: not everyone is going to like you.

- Wait before you escalate.

If you want to refer a problem with a co-worker to senior management, first test your interpretation of the situation with another colleague who can be trusted to give you honest feedback. Should you decide to proceed with the complaint, don’t make it personal: for example, demonstrate the impact their negative behaviour is having on the company’s bottom line.

This article originally appeared in the 7 April 2016 edition of finweek. Buy and download the magazine here.

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