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A Fin24 user tells how she triumphed over horrific abuse to empower others. She writes:
IN 1984 I discovered that I had a talent for sketching and writing.
This was my first year of living at a hostel and my first taste of freedom from sexual predators in 11 years. Two years later I decided to stop being invisible and stop merely existing, and to start creating a person who could look the world squarely in the eye and aspire to one day really enjoy life and be happy.
A tall order for a 17-year-old who was very alone, scared most of the time and barely coping with the demons in my dreams and shadows in the night. But a spritely little girl inside of me wanted so desperately to come out and just ‘be’. I started clawing myself out of a dark pit and hoped to find peace, and myself, in the end.
By now reading had been my escape for many years and I devoured the non-fiction section at the local library. Here I read every book I could find on war, the Holocaust, criminology, child abuse, psychological and personality disorders. Also the life stories about those who have survived some of the worst human atrocities and adversity imaginable.
Reading these books I realised that I was one of the lucky few. Yes, I was gang raped at age four by a group of teenage boys. And yes, I was molested and raped over many years by more than 20 men and boys. Yet I was never subjected to any other form of cruelty, physical harm or violence.
I found solace and healing in the fact that through all this, I was still loved and realised that it could have been a lot worse. Using what I had read, I was able to recreate myself and construct the person that I really wanted to be.
Someone that is friendly, kind and non-judgemental.
I am proud to say that I have achieved most of what I had set out to do. I do still suffer from insomnia, cannot handle certain smells, still get nightmares and have trust issues within a relationship. But I try to live with these as best I can.
I did struggle for many years with the ‘why me’ question and the mistrust and fear that follow in the wake of sexual abuse. And in my early 30s I realised that it had to be me, because I was strong enough to deal with it. I realised that hidden deep inside were parts of me that remained untouched throughout those years.
A little girl who looks at the world in wonder and amazement at the beauty that surrounds us each day. And a teenage girl who dreams of one day meeting someone who really loves and respects me. And a mother who works hard at giving my children the safety and peace that I missed.
However, I am still a work in progress, and hope that I will never be content with the progress that I make at becoming a whole person. And that I will never be satisfied with what I am able to give back to those I come into contact with every day.
I am currently managing the Donations-in-Kind programme at the Community Chest of the Western Cape, and I consider myself extremely blessed to be tasked with aiding to improve the lives of thousands less fortunate.
It is a humbling experience and reminder that it is the simplest things in life that really count.
- Fin24
*This guest post is by Suretta Barnard, manager of the Donations-in-Kind programme at the Community Chest of the Western Cape.
IN 1984 I discovered that I had a talent for sketching and writing.
This was my first year of living at a hostel and my first taste of freedom from sexual predators in 11 years. Two years later I decided to stop being invisible and stop merely existing, and to start creating a person who could look the world squarely in the eye and aspire to one day really enjoy life and be happy.
A tall order for a 17-year-old who was very alone, scared most of the time and barely coping with the demons in my dreams and shadows in the night. But a spritely little girl inside of me wanted so desperately to come out and just ‘be’. I started clawing myself out of a dark pit and hoped to find peace, and myself, in the end.
By now reading had been my escape for many years and I devoured the non-fiction section at the local library. Here I read every book I could find on war, the Holocaust, criminology, child abuse, psychological and personality disorders. Also the life stories about those who have survived some of the worst human atrocities and adversity imaginable.
Reading these books I realised that I was one of the lucky few. Yes, I was gang raped at age four by a group of teenage boys. And yes, I was molested and raped over many years by more than 20 men and boys. Yet I was never subjected to any other form of cruelty, physical harm or violence.
I found solace and healing in the fact that through all this, I was still loved and realised that it could have been a lot worse. Using what I had read, I was able to recreate myself and construct the person that I really wanted to be.
Someone that is friendly, kind and non-judgemental.
I am proud to say that I have achieved most of what I had set out to do. I do still suffer from insomnia, cannot handle certain smells, still get nightmares and have trust issues within a relationship. But I try to live with these as best I can.
I did struggle for many years with the ‘why me’ question and the mistrust and fear that follow in the wake of sexual abuse. And in my early 30s I realised that it had to be me, because I was strong enough to deal with it. I realised that hidden deep inside were parts of me that remained untouched throughout those years.
A little girl who looks at the world in wonder and amazement at the beauty that surrounds us each day. And a teenage girl who dreams of one day meeting someone who really loves and respects me. And a mother who works hard at giving my children the safety and peace that I missed.
However, I am still a work in progress, and hope that I will never be content with the progress that I make at becoming a whole person. And that I will never be satisfied with what I am able to give back to those I come into contact with every day.
I am currently managing the Donations-in-Kind programme at the Community Chest of the Western Cape, and I consider myself extremely blessed to be tasked with aiding to improve the lives of thousands less fortunate.
It is a humbling experience and reminder that it is the simplest things in life that really count.
- Fin24
*This guest post is by Suretta Barnard, manager of the Donations-in-Kind programme at the Community Chest of the Western Cape.
* Add your voice to our Women's Wealth Issue and help empower others this Women's Month.
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