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Shutting down good citizens

WE'RE supposed to be ‘good citizens’, aren’t we, proactive, engaged, doing our bit for society. So why is doing our bit turned into a major mission by the authorities we have to work with?

Water has been much in the news of late, with Durban rationing water thanks to a KZN drought, Bloem about to start water restrictions and water-shedding on the cards. So when I saw water being wasted, I thought I’d better report it. Good citizen, you see.

On the route I follow on my exercise-cum-stress-release morning walk, I noticed some time back, as I passed on the opposite side of the street, that a house had burnt out, the walls blackened and the roof fallen in. But on 21 July I crossed the road for the first time to take a peek. And I noticed there was a garden hose lying on the lawn, with water flowing steadily into the unkempt grass.

I thought I’d give it some time – perhaps there was someone doing some salvage work on the property. A week later, I passed by again; by now the water had started to create a whole new swamp eco-system, so a tap somewhere invisible to me had simply been left open, who knows when.

I went online to find the number for Joburg Water, 011 688-1400. Startlingly, when you dial this number, you always (at least in my experience) get a prim voice telling you, “The number you dialled is busy – please hold”.

If you do hold, you simply get the same prim voice on a permanent and very rapid loop – although once, fleetingly, I thought someone was answering the phone. I drew breath to speak, but was instantly and brutally cut off.

Okay, so that’s eight minutes I will never recoup, I thought to myself, checking the time on my laptop as I hunted down the Joburg Connect number, 011 375-555. I sang the little Telephone Song to myself as The Voice went through its options (“la-li-la-li-la-la-la” – and thanks to Bill Bryson for inventing the concept with the Lift Song): accounts and billing, electricity technical faults, water technical faults… that must be it.

Press Three and you get yet another Voice: “Dear customers, please be advised that there is a planned water shutdown in the following areas: Glen Austin, Noordwyk, Midrand, Tembisa, the Barrier Reef, the San Antonio Fault, the rings of Saturn,” and so on until finally the Voice wraps up with a pleasant, “We apologise for any inconvenience caused to our customers.”

And then it’s only a couple of rings and you are speaking to a real, live human. Who listens, asks questions… and then informs you that, no, we don’t deal with that. That’s INTERNAL. We only deal with burst pipes or rust jobbies and such-like – you know, infrastructure. Got it. But who do I call, then?

“You can report things like that to 0800 200 200.” Great. We’re now up to 15 minutes. Excelsior.
“La-li-la-li-la-la-la.”

And then the Telkom lady’s voice: “Sorry, there’s no reply at the number you’ve dialled.” Whutt! I must have dialled wrong. Repeat exercise, although I’m beginning to feel some loud, screaming rock nibbling at the peaceful edges of the Telephone Song. A Queen song, I think? Oh yes, the one with that useful line: “And now you can kiss my a** goodbye…”

Nope, it’s definitely the right number, pity about the wrong response. Helpful, neh? How is it possible for the number where you’re supposed to report issues like this to be such a stonewall?

So it’s back to Joburg Connect, shrieking guitar riffs playing in my head as I move stepwise through the system to the reiteration of the apology to all those customers in Glen Austin et al..

They do have a suggestion: they’ll give me the number where the inspectors for my area hang out. Light! We’re about 25 minutes down now, but I’m humming “In the velvet darkness of the blackest night, moon is bright, there’s a guiding sta-a-ar, no matter what or-or-or who you ar-ar-ar-are…” as I press the buttons.

“Oh yes,” says the lady. “What area is that? Oh, that’s [insert name here]. She’s out. Look, the best time to do this would be between eight and nine in the morning, can you phone back then?”

Are those drums or just my blood pounding in my head? I lose it. Which in my case means, I get very, very firm. I tell her I’m just being a good citizen and this is costing me in terms of wasted time. Could she be a little helpful? Perhaps give me the inspector’s email address or her cellphone, so I can send a message immediately and not waste any more time on this? Flustered, she complies. Message sent, and now we wait to see if the water flow ever stops. Keep you posted.

Geez, guys… you want good citizens, you want reports of leakages, breakages, corruption, all the things that so very hugely stand in the way of our being a world-class African city – a world-class African country – then make it easy for us to do the thing, wouldya?

*Mandi Smallhorne is a versatile journalist and editor. Views expressed are her own. Follow her on twitter.

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