READ a certain kind of magazine article, or book or blog
post, and you will be tantalised by a vision of the perfect life.
In this life, perfectly groomed women run their own
multi-million rand businesses from home.
They regularly serve fresh veg they've organically grown and
cooked themselves to parties of 12 around beautifully set tables, make
exquisite crafts with their well-behaved, snot-free children and volunteer at
least one morning a week at the local homeless shelter.
Nobody outside the movies really has that kind of life, and
if we try to achieve the impossible we are only setting ourselves up for
misery, guilt and their toxic buddy, resentment.
I learned this the hard way, needless to say.
When my son was born five years ago, I thought working
flexible half days would help me achieve the magic balance between being a
perfect mother and a businesswoman.
But life turned out to be more complicated than that:
neither babies nor clients have half-day demands. Trying to please everyone,
all the time, soon sent me into a spiral of guilt and exhaustion that drained
my vitality for a few long years.
If I'd known five years ago what I know now, I would have
put my own needs far higher up the priority list.
A mother who exercises, eats properly and takes time out for
herself is likely to be in a better mood, more of the time, than one who
doesn't.
A mother who nourishes her own resources has more available
to give to her children. And a mother who takes charge of her own fulfilment is
a much better role model to her sons and daughters than one who gives too much
and resents it.
Children, unfortunately, are not compatible with being in
control 100% of the time.
Maybe, when my child didn't want to eat his lunch and I was
panicking about the 2pm meeting across town, we should have spent the time
doing a puzzle together instead.
Or I could have let someone else feed him, and gone to the
meeting with a clear mind. I tried so hard to get everything right.
Thinking about it now, perhaps my son didn't need as much of
my time as I thought he did. (Did I just admit that?)
Perhaps if I'd come home at five, intellectually stimulated
and satisfied in the knowledge that I'd done a good day's work, it would have
been easier to switch off the incoming calls, relax and be fully present with
him.
I have found more balance now. My son has taught me how to
slow down, be present in the moment and actually enjoy spending time talking
about caterpillars.
I've taught him – or am trying to do so - that mothers are
not slaves, that good things only come through hard work (no matter how smart
you are) and that it's good for us to have high expectations of life but we can
do this with love and compassion for ourselves too.
I won't pretend that life is perfect, though. The task of
integrating work, family and the rest of our lives is a delicate daily balance.
But we do each other no favours, as parents, when we deny
that love comes at a price. Let's rather acknowledge the price we pay – and the
true value of what we get in return.
The learning has been priceless and I feel a fraction more
qualified to be the mother of an extraordinary little teacher aged five.
- Fin24
*Judith Middleton is the founder and CEO of DUO Marketing +
Communications. She is the latest guest columnist taking part in Fin24's
Women's Month campaign celebrating women in business.
Fin24 welcomes your participation in the campaign. Send your views to editor@fin24.com and you could get published.
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