How to cope with being sidelined

At first you thought it was just an oversight. You weren’t included in an email about a key issue, or invited to a meeting about a project you were supposed to be involved in. But the evidence is mounting that you are not part of the inner circle any more. You feel isolated and when you air your views, you are ignored. Also: eyerolling.

It may feel like the worst thing in the world, and in a way it is.

Recent research by the University of British Columbia’s Sauder School of Business showed that being ignored or ostracised has a much bigger impact on your health and morale than being outright harassed or bullied.

The researchers measured the impact of isolating events (like not being invited to meetings or left to sit alone in a workplace setting) in a survey of 1?300 people. It showed that employees who were ostracised were more likely to experience mental distress and health issues than those bullied or harassed. They were also much more likely to leave their jobs within three years than the victims of bullying.

Nevertheless, the survey found that ostracising an employee is viewed as more socially acceptable than outright bullying or verbal harassment. Workplace ostracism is also more prevalent, with more than 70% of US participants in a recent study reporting being affected by it. (Less than a third of participants experienced harassment.)

Being ostracised can be extremely distressing; and in the long run, it can undermine your self-confidence and be extremely damaging to your career.

Here’s how to get a grip:

Step 1:

Examine the evidence. Before taking any action, get a clear, objective assessment of the situation to determine whether you really are being treated unfairly.

The first question to ask yourself is whether you are operating at the right level, and delivering satisfactory work, says Judy Goodwin, a change consultant and coach in Cape Town. “If you are not consulted about key issues, consider the possibility that you are not seen as having the required expertise, or working at the right level.”

Take a long, deep look at your attitude at work, and assess whether you are seen as someone who offers constructive input. Are you always pointing out the problems and never offering solutions? Are you the most negative person in the room? Often people are sidelined because they are seen as obstacles.

Also, do you talk a lot? Do you dominate conversations, and monopolise meetings? Are you really listening to others, giving them space to also air their views? Are you quick to lose your temper, and generally impatient? You may be excluded because you are not seen as a beneficial presence.

Then again, maybe it’s not your fault at all. Your boss may be into nepotism, or deliberately withholding information from you because she feels threatened. You may be the victim of a deliberate campaign to strip you of your resources and support, because your boss has some Machiavellian strategy and want you out.

But first test your assessment of the situation with a trusted colleague. It may be that you are oversensitive, or don’t have all the information about the situation. Get a third-party view on what is happening, and whether your view of what is happening is, in fact, correct.

Step 2:

Up your game. If your colleague believes you may have some part in the situation, make sure that you are a constructive, accommodative presence in the office, and consider internalising the motto promoted among employees by the Danish company Lego: Don’t think less of yourself, but think less about yourself.

It may help to get a coach on board to help your performance, or take a course that can assist in developing your technical abilities, says Goodwin.

Step 3:

Build a strong network at work. There is strength in numbers; your boss will find it more difficult to sideline you if your colleagues have your back. Invest in your workplace relationships by being loyal, genuine and helpful.

Step 4:

Speak truth to power. In a friendly setting, talk to your boss about how you are experiencing the situation.

Keep it neutral and stick to how the situation is making you feel. Don’t accuse your manager of anything: it will only end badly. Ask for feedback on your performance and suggestions on where you can improve, and how you can become more involved in specific projects.

If that fails to assist your position, and his actions are prohibiting you from doing your job, it may be time to file a formal grievance. Make sure you document all prejudicial actions taken against you.

Sometimes, however, being sidelined may be just the wake-up call you needed. If your workplace is destructive and toxic, you may be better off looking for a job somewhere else.

It may also be a sign that you are not in the job that is best suited to you, says Goodwin.

“You have to be in a position that allows you to add value and should allow you to play to your strengths.” If the position only highlights your weaknesses, there is no real scope to improve your performance.

“Realistically it may then be time to find another job.”

This article originally appeared in the 1 December edition of finweek. Buy and download the magazine here.