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Peter Wilhelm: Vegans, anthropomorphism and the homo-bubble

A friend recently made the distinction that all that sets us apart, standing between our high-level functioning compared to the rest of the animal kingdom, is consciousness and opposable thumbs. Although I am sure that it can’t be boiled down to a simple one-sentence statement, he did have a point. What about humanity is it that gives us the right to overrule every creature we encounter, considering ourselves their masters? We remain hunks of meat in the eyes of predators, though we do have the ability to do up our buttons going for us. Peter Wilhelm puts this concept to task in his latest, rather humorous offering. – CH

By Peter Wilhelm

Difficult to conceive of a poster to outreach last week’s viral spleen-grabber:  “TOKOLOSHE IN BLOW-JOB TERROR”. Who dreamt that up? How many PhDs – real or bought through the post – are needed to shuffle thought bubbles into the cosmos before the “multiverse” adjusts all constants of nature to validate them?

(A mutltiverse is a scientific conjecture that holds there are an infinite number of universes in some of which headlines such as “SANGOMA BLESSED MY PUNANI” find a hospitable welcome and a crate of beer before breakfast.)

The trouble with everything whatsoever being plausible in some backward parallel universe is that there one might encounter headlines such as: “ISIS TRAINING CAMP IN KAKAMAS”, or “UCT OFFERS STUDENTS Ph D IN SHIT-HURLING”, or “BOKO HARAM KIDNAPS ST ANDREWS MATRICS”, or even “CROC EATS HELEN ZILLE”.

The latter legend would shock the Facebook folk who post daily pictures of their kitties and doggies being cute. And there are videos of otherwise genetically distinct single-moms (say silkworms and elephants) breastfeeding each other in selfies. In the universal kindliness of all creatures great and small, crocodiles do not consume people, let alone Ms. Zille. They cuddle snakes.

A dilemma exists for omnivores who want to be Vegans. My rationale: they should transform their tiny backyards into animal pens, naming each fowl and pig – Holly, Polly, Molly, Piggy, Wiggy, Ziggy – and raise them with fondling, tenderness, nurture, and first-name endearments.

Later when it’s time to eat them, omni-Vegans can lovingly put them to eternal sleep with IV injections or, since these regularly fail as in the US, smother them in perpetuity.

There are many who believe that humanity is advancing through a viral infusion of cutiepienesss. Perhaps then humanity is on a gentle upgrade.

And yet – in my ceaseless prowling of the Internet, universal repository of half-truths and falsehood – I encountered this macabre tale:

“A group of British tourists were enjoying a sunset cruise along the beautiful Zambezi River [when] they witnessed a grisly act. Having spotted several crocodiles devouring something from a distance, they got closer only to discover it was actually the bottom half of a person.

‘All there was to see of him was his trousers,’ a local source who did not wish to be named told the UK’s Telegraph.”

What did they expect?

Had I been there I too would have reacted in horror. And yet, as a wild animal, the crocodile “red in tooth and claw” (Tennyson©) hunts prey – bucks, monkeys that come to drink, humans. We are food for the monster; as we are for lions, tigers, irritated elephants, rhinos, polar bears, apes, Pit Bulls, leopards, and all the feral beasts of the field. That’s how Nature set it up.

Now that we sad-sack Christians are entering the prospective age of Veganism, we project upon these animals all our innate anthropomorphism and sympathy. Look at Youtube and you’ll see (generally caged, or otherwise whipped into submission) maternal lionesses playing with their tiny clawless cubs.

We neglect to note that macho lions consume their male pups to increase their chances of enhancing their own vicious opportunities to broadcast their hairy genomes. They kill the competition!

After a few weeks female dogs shove their puppies away in irritation – essentially saying, “You’re on your own now. Go!” Female spiders eat their fragmentary one-night stands.

I am reminded of a cartoon in which two unhappy dogs with halos are sitting on a celestial cloud. One notes: “Well – I don’t call it Heaven if we can’t sniff each others’ bottoms!” It’s all in the multiverse.

All of Creation’s fissiparous, rending, warring critters (including humans, who all appear to hate each other) want utter dominance. I foresee a time when (say) Golden Orb spiders are the ruling species.

Assume they have the intelligence of a PhD from the Quackelic College of Natural Medicine in San Francisco (do check your specialist’s credentials) they will hold rallies, wave flags, and have dancing barely-clothed male Orbs when signing a fresh constitution. They will at that stage be toxic.

In time though, altruism might creep into their makeup. The females might eat the wrong mate – and he might be a decent eco-friendly chap, munching grass rather than grasshoppers.

In this bubble multiverse down the evolutionary tract, the Orbs might find themselves feeling pity for humans, finding empathy woven into their genes (or sex-legged jeans) and set about preserving the endangered homo species.

They could begin by putting people into zoos. The barbed wire will be designed to keep these villainous things inside, not out. I suggest Nkandla – with its polygamy, kingship, family relations, arbitrary executions, refugees, etc – would be an ideal place. Feed them on eggplant and picture them licking Orb spiders’ multifaceted eyes.

On no account should Helen Zille be tossed over the fence for them to masticate. She’s really endangered.

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